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[Oct. 1st, 2008|09:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | romulus | ] |
Where did this girl go?
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 30th, 2008|06:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
It's coming earlier and earlier every year. I can't remember how long ago I started feeling this way, but I wish I could make it go away. I'm not excited about anything and all I'm thinking about is what I've lost and who I miss and what can never go back to how it was. Some things are better off the way they are now, but I still get nostalgic and I still wish there had been a way that everything could have worked out better. What's weird is that I only miss certain things and those things could never be the same and I just want to re-live them again. Not in a new way, but just to go back for a day to how things were. I wish that this whole thing hadn't totally fucked me over and that I could really feel again. I'm not in love anymore, but god damnit, why? Why the fuck is this happening?
It was never supposed to be this way. We were supposed to graduate and get accepted to colleges and move in together. We were supposed to live a different kind of life than most kids our age. We were supposed to be Corey and Topanga. We were going to get married and have kids and I was going to have to cook two dinners every night. A regular meal, then chicken fingers and fries. We would grow old together watching King of Queens every day. We were Doug and Carrie. We were young and in love. Two fucking years went by. No one stays in a relationship that long when they're 15. We were supposed to be different.
Now I'm old news. Someone else has already replaced me. If it's that easy, why can't I do it? I'm trying. God damnit, I'm trying so hard to make it work. And I knew. I knew it was coming and there wasn't anything I could do. I even had fucking nightmares about it. Now it's done. Is it really possible that this was the last time? Am I supposed to believe that? I have to. I guess I have to.
I'm fat and lonely and my face is swollen and puffy and I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. |
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[Aug. 17th, 2008|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
Tomorrow is the first day of my senior year in high school.
I am 100% speechless. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2008|09:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sublime | ] |
I was going to make a new lj tonight, but then I went back to the first entry of this one and read that my goal was to keep this until the end of high school. And since next year is my last year, I figure I should keep it. I can't believe that I only have one year of high school left. Saying that it's "so crazy" is a complete understatement. Oh God...I feel nostalgia coming on...
Summer has been so amazing and I never want it to end. I really think it may be the best summer of my life. For the first time in almost 2 years, I've been doing the things that I want to do; making my own decisions. A lot of them may be "bad" or "irresponsible", but I really don't give a shit. I'm having so much fun. I've been experimenting a lot more with weed and I love it, haha. I'm a bit afraid of becoming a burnout, but I don't see that happening. Most of the time I just smoke with Mark and we sit around watching movies or talking or going to Taco Bell at 2 A.M. (I love you, Mark.)
Speaking of Mark, I hung out with him today. We went to Borders and I almost bought Naked Lunch, but I wasn't sure if I'd like it. Plus, I'm cheap. Then we went to Best Buy and looked at all the cool cell phones and Macs and HD TVs. It was fun until I remembered that Bryce's older brother worked there and I became nervous because I wanted to avoid some kind of confrontation. We left Best Buy, got some food at the West Oaks Mall, and walked around in there for awhile. We eventually ended up in another book store where Mark found this really neat book called WRECK THIS JOURNAL. It's basically this book that has something fun/destructive to do on each page. The goal, I guess, is to relieve some stress and have a completely fucked-up book by the end of it. I've done a few pages, and I'm already in love. I can't wait to see the finished product.
Everything else is always the same. Parents are alright, except my mom found this old "suicide note" that I wrote in like 9th grade where I stupidly confessed to being strung out on xanax and klonopin for days at a time. I also revealed my "eating disorder" and a bunch of other bullshit. Fortunately, she's not as on-edge as I thought she'd be about it. But whatever. I could legally move out in less than 3 months if she became too strange and controlling. And that's always something to look forward to.
I guess I should start reading one of the books I have to complete for English next year, but I think I'm going to work on my destructive journal instead. |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|11:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sore | ] |
1) List 11 things that you want to say to people, but never will.
2) Don't say who they are.
3) Never discuss it again.
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1. God damnit, I hate how you've changed. You used to be one of my best friends. Now you're immature and rude and stupid. I hate you for ruining this.
2. Even though we never chilled outside of school much, i consider you a very good friend. You ALWAYS make me laugh.
3. I'm glad that this shits over. I was really getting tired of you. You took away and fucked up so much of me. I'm beginning to really dislike you for this. Plus, I lied to you ALOT.
4. I fucking hate you. You're a disgusting asshole and I really, really, really hope that you die.
5. You don't know how happy I am that we're becoming close again. I missed you so much. <33
6. Despite what's been said about you by anyone, I love you to death. You're a lot different, and in some ways I don't really understand you anymore. But I know we will be buds fooorreeevverrrr.
7. I wish you lived closer so we could be even better friends. Also, I'm pretty sure you're my twin.
8. I really like you a lot. I hope you think about me as much I think about you. You make me feel like a creepy stalker. :)
9. Sometimes, I am very afraid that you are the ONLY person that will ever completely understand me. I miss you so so much, despite all the fucked-up shit talking you did behind my back. I also left you something very personal, and I hope you look at it a lot and miss me, too.
10. For awhile there, you really felt like a protective, older brother. But I'm not sure why I'm including you because now, you are completely irrelevant to my life.
11. I think that you're kind of old and creepy and I wish that people stopped thinking that I want to contact you because I DON'T.
P.S. I'm going to go ready The Perks for the 3,486,453,486th time. This is completely irrelevant, but I felt like saying it because of how depressing I am lately. Who the fuck knows what's happening to me. |
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